Base upon my Disciple Night post, some of you have inquired about the content Tammy and I use to guide the mentoring experience with our kids. Of course, the Scriptures are the primary source, but here are 3 books that have helped us, and I believe every parent should pull a part page-by-page.

1) Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel: Parent your kids the way God parents you. amazon
2) Boundaries for Kids by Cloud and Townsend: What are the virtues that set a child free to be a wise, Christ-centered adult? amazon
3) Raising Kids for True Greatness by Tim Kimmel: Redefine greatness for your kids, so they know what life is truly about and how to live it fully. amazon

Soon, I’ll post some of the key questions, lessons and guidelines that we’ve adapted from these resources to teach our kids character. Hopefully, this is helpful.

Stay in the fight. It’s worth it for you, your children and the world they will help shape.

I have a friend who speaks four languages fluently. No, I am serious. We were in Moscow once and I watched him translate a business transaction between a Russian and Frenchmen, and then tell me about it in English. You gotta be kidding me; what planet are these people from? Envy is an understatement.

For me, though, I’ve made it my life’s mission to try and crack the most elusive code language in human history…Woman. Yes, that cosmic vernacular made up of riddles and hints, overtones and the occasional ambush. This maze is one that many a man has wondered into and never been seen again.

So, for my bros out there who want to communicate with the natives, here’s three basic phrases that I’ve roughly decoded. I am not an expert or fluent-speaking, and there are always dialect exceptions to these phrases, but these three will at least get you through the airport or help you hail a cab. Use them wisely and I’ll share more as I continue my research.

1) How was your day? When a woman asks this, strangely, unlike most people, she actually wants to know how your day was. You’ll be tempted to give her a trite answer like “it was good,” so you can get to Sportscenter. However, push through the pretense and choose three interesting things that happened to you that day and share them at a reasonable pace.

Example: A senseless conversation you had with the UPS guy–So then I told him… Or, laugh through the story about blowing up your frozen dinner in the break room microwave. Everybody thought it was the zaniest thing. Close up shop with a good-natured rant about the meetings you hate going to, and how you wish they’d just let you do your job instead of talk about it. She will think you’re a rebel then. Sure, most guys couldn’t care less if you told them any of this, but remember you’re speaking Woman to a living, breathing woman. They are receiving affection in each trivial tangent; she’s eating it up like Oreo crumbs. After you’ve finished your three things, then pause thoughtfully and ask this, “How was your day?” Just listen and find out things about this mysterious person you married. Don’t worry. Sportscenter will be there when it’s all over; it’s on a round-the-clock loop.

2) I have a headache-This phrase is often misinterpreted. It does not always translate to mean your bedroom ambitions are being thwarted, nor does it mean she wants solutions for her ailment. Well, take an aspirin, honey. No. Mainly, it is a beacon for empathy. Women seem to want their husbands to “get in their shoes” and walk around in their reality. Don’t take that “shoe” thing literally; that’s creepy. Instead, respond by saying things like, “I’m so sorry. Tell me more. How does that make you feel?” Then perhaps you can rub her shoulders. Be careful with the shoulder rub, though, because things might go another direction for you both. To be honest, you might not be able to handle the woman you’re about to unleash.

3) “I’m fine” or “nothing’s wrong“- Quick translation: Pursue me, dang it! And, you guessed it; when a woman replies with either of these answers, or variations, she means just the opposite. Somehow life is way off center for her and you are likely one of the tipping points. Two things you’ll need to crack this code: A) Patience- Commit to stay the course for a while. Don’t rush to a solution or apology, or things can get way more complex than before. Take your time and don’t take it too personal. B) Persistence- You’ll need to keep trudging through deflections and build a platform for her to eventually sing like the DA just handed her immunity and witness protection all in the same deal. Look out, because truth will be told, but that truth sets you both free. Afterwards, when you’ve seen that clearly something was wrong and not fine, then you have ”wife-cred” to begin to problem solve.

Let’s bring this home and go back to my friend who is the language Jedi. I finally asked him one day how he’s able to master all these foreign tongues. His answer was simple and logical to my own quest to decode Woman. “First, I fall in love with the language,” he said. “Then I fall for the culture and people who speak it.” Interesting I thought. “It’s not very long,” he concluded. “Until I listen to those people who speak it. Then I can talk to them and they understand me.”

Groundbreaking. Pass it on.

This morning was beyond-compare. Yes, we remembered Christ’s sacrifice through Communion, but more so we marveled that we are changed people, no longer condemned by our sin.

Some “sleepy-Christians” woke up today, like God roused them with an earthquake of truth and audacity. “Get up!” He said. “Jesus broke and died so you’d be alive and empowered, so you’d think, feel and act transformed, not for you to walk around and decay in old sin-cycles and guilt.”

One guy said he had been living his days condemned and unchanged for the last few years. He didn’t even know why he came this morning. Not only did he drag himself to church, but he persuaded his out-of-town friend to come with him. Both fought the urge, because they had partied the entire weekend, but came anyway. Both went forward and grieved for their wasted lives and took the Body and Blood of Christ as new creations.

Another guy came down front to pray and surrender his life to Jesus Christ. Today was his first time at Brentwood, and his first time in church since he was eight-years-old. Right then and there, I got to serve him and his wife their first communion as Christ-followers.

Finally, a young guy walked straight up to me during the last song. “Pray with me,” he said. “I keep telling myself I can’t change the way I am. Now, I know only Jesus can.” Afterwards, he ate the bread and drank the wine like never before. I grabbed his shoulder before he walked away and I told him to live free now. He agreed with me and departed with his head lifted again. That’s freedom.

Brentwood, that’s what happens when we elevate the Gospel and then get out of the way to let the Holy Spirit rock our world.

Let’s go!!!

Most men don’t cry. At least we don’t do so easily. The rare instances we might tear up there is usually a major smack-down with our soul before the soul sends us to the mat and finally pins us. Don’t you do this to me! Afterwards, we almost feel betrayed by our own emotional prison guards. Like the two of them (heart and mind) got together and conspired against us. How could you let this happen? We scold them like children and sentence them to the dungeon. Took care of that.

I read somewhere years ago that men don’t cry for two major reasons: 1) We are taught not to; you know, big boys don’t cry and get some grit in your throat, boy. And 2) we are afraid. If we cry, then it reveals weakness and vulnerability. Of course, that is unacceptable, because the word gets out that we’re one of “those guys.” Losing respect on the streets of Guy-town could be the kiss of death. Eventually, our cry muscle atrophies or, worse, spills over uncontrollably. Yes, either the river dries up (callused and alone) or the levee breaks completely (nervous breakdown).

I got convicted about this as I continued to study Jesus and realized that he cried. And yet, somehow I expected him to be emotionally whole and honest about what’s going on inside. So, I just said, “That’s one part of Jesus I don’t think I could ever get.” To be honest, I don’t know how I justified that line of thinking as a man who seeks to be led by Christ. Nevertheless, I just refused to accept that crying was spiritually healthy, but instead a major liability. To cry means I’m a lesser man. It’s ironic, because I guess somehow I was subconsciously telling myself that Jesus was less of a man, too.

Then I uncovered a theory stated by Norman Schwarzkopf’s, the army general who won Desert Storm back in the early ‘90s, and he helped me understand Jesus more. I think he was quoted in a John Eldridge book or something. Anyway, it’s strange, I know, to learn Jesus from a general, but here is how it played out: The general is the typical man’s man, I thought–grit, glory, God and country. Then something he wrote about men who don’t cry startled me. He admitted that he does not trust a man who does not cry. Why? I wondered. What he concluded was both scary and liberating for me. A man who does not cry, he continued, is a man who is hiding something.

Hiding something? Yes, if a man does not expose the rawest of his emotions, it’s because there is another man (or boy) in there he does not want others to know about. And it’s that hidden boy that will sabotage anyone to make sure he remains protected. Like Jesus, it seems Schwarzkopf had figured out something about how men are wired and are supposed to live best and most free. Be honest about everything, even what’s sad, confusing and our of our control (most everything).

This was eye opening for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t cry at the drop of a hat (protection statement), but now I let the tears role when they are ready…much more often. Just trying to keep it real fellas. Maybe we all should.

Parents often wonder how they can impact their children early on. What are ways we can forge our child’s character and impart virtue into his or her life for the long haul?

Many well-meaning parents try to cram months, or even years, of teaching moments into one guilt-driven seminar. And these lectures are usually sparked by a crisis or defining moment in the child or teenager’s life. Picture the dad talking sexual intimacy and self-control with his son the day before his wedding. Thanks, Dad, this would have been incredible 10-years ago, before I made a ton of unwise sexual choices already.

To try and heap timeless principles and character development onto a child all at once, during a crisis or, worse, through a third-party (i.e. church leader or coach) is pretty close to futile. Can you say too little, too late?

So, here is one practice Tammy and I have adopted from a couple we know and respect. What is it? We call it “disciple night.” One night a week during the school year, my wife and I rotate to take one of our children out for desert. Week one my daughter and I go out, and week two my son and his mother do the same. The rotation interchanges each week from there.

The one hour spent with them is simple, but gives back lifelong reward. We laugh and eat at some coffee shop or restaurant, but more importantly we talk Jesus and character. How does Christ’s life and leadership translate from elementary school to adult life?

To drip virtue into my kid’s hearts over time, instead of dump-trucking it in one day, has proven to be much more inspiring to them. In fact, towards the end of a high octane summer–camps, cousins and vacations–my seven-year-old son said to me, “Dad, when are we cranking up disciple night again. I’m ready for some us time.”

Give it a try and see what happens.

I told a story yesterday at Brentwood about something my wife said to me recently. The response from people was unexpected. Are men really that empowered by their wives’ encouragement?

Here’s the story recalled: I sat at the kitchen table and clicked away at my laptop. Tammy was nearby wiping down a countertop. She stared at me. It was peculiar, because she was observing me, but I didn’t know why. Was she upset about something and I needed to solve it? Did I have chocolate on my face? What? Finally, I turned to catch her.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Then she said the words men kill themselves daily to hear. “I love you more today than I ever have in my life.” In other words, you’re the greatest husband in the world. Okay, at least to her I am.

Wow! Just like that she realigned my entire solar system. Her statement was defining. In such a moment I stood a thousand feet tall and was bullet proof. Kanye West could’ve interrupted with a cheap shot and I would not have flinched.

Don’t get me wrong, my wife has affirmed me plenty of times before, but this was so random. Nothing epic I had done surrounded her proclamation. In fact, the whole day was rather boring, but something about her love for me got stirred up and spilled over the edges. She went with it and I will never forget what she said.

So, let me answer the leading question for all men. Yes ladies, a man is vigorously affirmed when his wife tells him that she thinks he is all that and then some. And, ladies, if you think it will puff his ego and enable his bad habits, just stop and go with it anyway. Guys are a billion times more coachable on the other stuff when they have been built up first; not manipulatively, but from the heart and off the cuff.

Keep it up ladies. Build up and then coach up. We’ll be better men and the world will be a better place for everyone.

Brentwood Crazies,
Last night’s Big Vision Event was “crazy awesome.”   Why? Because we unveiled a vision that we cannot accomplish unless God’s power and Christ’s Message is center stage.  Yep, we give Him all the fame and depend on Him for every step.
 
Our crazy goal?  To be a relevant and exciting church for 10,000 unchurched people in the next ten years-10K in 10-years.  Yes, that’s crazy, because we’re challenged right now to cram 1000 people on our campus.  How then?  What can we do now and in the near future?
 
To Build or Not Build
The night held some reality defining moments.  There are some clear things we will and will not do right now in our history.  One thing, we will not build on our current sites (15 and/or 12-acre properties).  After months of study and prayer, we recognize this is not an agile step for our expanding vision-a lot of money for a lot of limitations.  For one thing, the road we sit on is just too small to handle our current growth, not to mention our future growth.  So, what will we do with our current properties?  Listen online for full details.
 
The Hopeful Unknown
What about “The Mystery Box” we highlighted, the hopeful unknown that God reveals on His timetable?  Some things in that box maybe:
1)    Rent school facilities or lease retrofitted space
2)    Start a campus and become a multi-site church
3)    Sell current properties and purchase a more strategic site.
4)    Combos of the above
Any of these options could materialize within the next year or two, so we must be ready and possess a spirit of “go” within our community.  “Go” is living life in the tension and excitement of being ready for God’s great mystery to be revealed and acted upon.
 
A New Culture to Reach People Now
In the meantime, how do we “elevate the Gospel” to as many people possible and not have to turn anymore away due to space?  Answer: We add a 4th service, but with a twist.  In January 2010, Brentwood will introduce a new culture to our church and our city, “night church.”  No, this is not a scaled-back version of the morning, where a few merciful people show up again at night for the pastor.  We’re talking full-throttle environments just like the A.M., but in the evening instead.  This new culture is how you will serve and attend church until “The Mystery Box” is flung wide open.  Moving to the night block will allow our church to reach 600 new people without one brick, bulldozer or 8-million dollar check.  The block times will be: (9A.M. and 10:45A.M.) and (4:30P.M. and 6P.M).
 
A Step You Can Take Today
So right now we need 400 morning attendees to take ownership of this new culture.  Those 400 people will join an “Early Adopters” team and begin to prepare for this needed change.  You can sign up here to be an “Early Adopter.”
 
Can’t wait to see God blow our minds, change our lives and impact our city for Jesus Christ.
 
10K In 10-years!!!
Jon
 

Is your marriage funky right now? Ok, maybe you love each other, but “like” is another matter. Passion is buried in a closet somewhere, and Mr. Funk sits in your kitchen like a What-About-Bob nightmare. You pay the bills, maintain the stuff and keep the kids well fed and on task. But, as the song goes, “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.” Translation: You don’t look at each other as lovers, but instead as roommates trying to cram for life.

There are episodes in my marriage where Tammy and I lived with Mr. Funk. And, because we’re both married to human-beings, we will again. What I’ve come to realize, though, about this unwelcome houseguest is that it’s easy to let him linger around way too long. Excuses get made for why Mr. Funk is normal–marriage is supposed to drag; work just demands so much; these kids won’t raise themselves, etc. Mr. Funk is not only justified, he’s embraced.

Soon Mr. Funk gets his own room and before you know it, he’s kicked one of you out of the bed. You know what I mean. Intimacy is a chore for her, and boring relief to him–yes, I said it. Date night is a list of can’t-dos for him, and a decayed memory to her. Mr. Funk now owns the house.

Advice? Grab Mr. Funk by the collar, fling open the door and throw him towards the neighbor’s pit-bull. Settle down, he’s not a literal person; he’s a metaphor. You get the point, though.

So how do you kick Mr. Funk out? Here is the first and most important exercise. I may share more in another post.

Step One: Acknowledge Mr. Funk is there. Lack of healthy communication is still one of the biggest relationship killers on the planet. No one wants to admit there’s a problem.

But, talk about it. Just say, “I love you, but I don’t like where we are right now.” Ladies be specific; no head games or Scooby-Do mysteries. Own it. Guys, don’t take it personal. She loves you and thinks you’re a great man, but something needs to change. Also, guys, when it’s your turn, be clear and loving. Did I say loving? Yes, be loving. You’ve carried this frustration around way too long and suddenly you’re allowed to unleash it. But guys often way over shoot. They go postal, instead of graceful. Mr. Funk transforms into something else. No time for that right now.

What if I just can’t talk about it? Well, start with I don’t know how to talk about this. Then seek a pastor or counselor as a first-step navigator. Life’s too short, and marriage has too many great possibilities, to let pride and Mr. Funk take away some meaningful years.

Other steps coming soon.

Men, we gotta do more than “bring home the bacon.” We are the architects of fun within our four walls and picket fences. We have the power to blow hurricanes of adventure into the doldrums of our households. How would your kids respond if you turned off the power and pronounced a trail hike you’d planned for them? Yes, you actually lead them away from the TV and computer and show them the world outside–mountains, streams and, yes, wild animals.

Or better yet, how would your wife transform if you surprised her with a 24-hr get away, no kids or responsibilities? It’s just you two, a Priceline room for $40 and dinner at a place she can wear a dress (you know that dress). She sleeps in the next morning and you bring her muffins and coffee from the continental breakfast table in the lobby. Cheap and simple, but high impact. Not so scary when you think about it.

I know what you’re saying right now, “I work hard all week. The last thing I feel like is playing with the kids, and being Tom Hanks for my wife.” Understandable. And yet, the only person who’s going to fight for fun and romance in your small castle is you. Trust me, you boss isn’t and neither is the cable guy or city mayor. Who then?

Get out there and make some fun.

I hate to run! No, I really hate to run!!! But I must run on October 24th at the Run For Their Lives 10K.

Why? Because this race doesn’t just raise funding and awareness for Run For Their Lives, it’s one more stride to end human trafficking and sexual slavery in our world (see Freedom 4/24 blog post).

What motivates me to train and work to take-on this 10K is really close to home for me. My 9-year-old daughter, Landyn, is why I run. When I watch her read at night in her bed or skip towards the doorway at her school, I’m reminded of another voiceless 9-year-old in Thailand. That daughter just got sold to an illegal brothel. Her life will be grievously different than the one Landyn might possess.

So, when my heart-rate goes up tomorrow on my next run, I’ll move onward for that girl too.

Why do you run? Leave a comment. Sign up now.