“Change is the only constant.” True as an axiom, but that doesn’t mean we like it or want it to mess with us.

There are countless reasons not to allow change in areas we must, but fear of failure is at the top of the list. We are petrified the whole machine that is our life—stability, personality, comfort, etc.—will implode and we’ll be discouraged beyond repair. Why? Because we couldn’t make the change work, or, worse, the change just outright failed. For example, you decided to stop drinking or over-eating or being a lazy spouse, but two-weeks later you were back at it again. And your fall made the two-week rise a more devastating collapse—if I just hadn’t started to climb, I’d never have crashed so hard.

And yet, what if we took the fear of failure out of the equation? What if failure was just part of the success? What if two-steps forward just meant one-step back for a while? And then you moved those two-steps again.

Seems to me that sums up the reality of a Christ-follower, which is why we need so much grace and so much guidance from God’s Spirit. The moment we stop failing is the moment we don’t need a Savior. Note: That’s the deal with Jesus Christ; we need him to save us.

The Apostle Paul writes: “But where sin increased, grace increased all the more…” (Romans 5:20). In other words, our failure or sin causes us to realize the necessity for a greater change agent. Settle down. This mantra does not invite failure and sin to attract grace. On the contrary, Paul completes the thought in chapter 6, “…What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?”

What then? Failure and grace just creates a tension we all have to live and thrive in. It’s the tension of moving forward with Christ, but also failing backwards with him, which brings lasting change.

Get busy failing. Get busy changing. And stop being afraid.

A child’s character is forged everyday in every situation. And guess who makes the most indentions? Right on, us parents. They watch how we process and act on our emotions when things do or don’t go our way; they study how we handle moments that require integrity over compromise. Actions get witnessed, words are heard and then it’s all filed away in their Googolplex hard-drive of a memory. It’s not long until those scenes drip down into their hearts and become normal human behavior for them. Scary, I know, because we are teaching them right and wrong whether we want to or not.

I’ve listed some practices and habits I try to live by, so the right character is formed and cemented in my children’s hearts while they observe mom and dad. There are countless more, but here’s three:

1) Tell the truth all the time to everyone. Seems like a no brainer, but a white lie to avoid a ticket is still a lie and it’s being documented in the backseat. Yes, your kids are listening to you and Officer Roscoe discuss why he pulled you over. And they’ll tell him if you can’t seem to recall.

2) Say you’re sorry and admit when you’re wrong. Tough one, for sure, because the kids find out sooner rather than later that you’re not perfect. But, let’s be honest, they will find out someday. Back to Officer Roscoe for a second. Getting a speeding ticket is a great opportunity to admit you were careless and had to experience consequences for your actions. Also, what’s more important, is to apologize to your kids directly when you’ve personally wronged them. Your “sorry” helps heal the wound you’ve caused, but also teaches them that being wrong is part of life and making things right is the freest way to move forward.

3) Don’t fight with your spouse in front of your kids. Teach them how adults should argue and it’s not a “Vegas Bout” in the kitchen among innocent bystanders. Sure, they need to know that it’s not always roses with mom and dad, but there are better methods than ringside seats. Besides, visible tension between the parents tips the entire house out of balance, so spare them the drama and take it to the bedroom. Afterwards, if necessary, let them know that everything is okay between mom and dad. Then explain how working out disagreements the right way is a healthy part of life.

So yesterday was a kicker for us all. It was startling to roll through a parable most of us have heard since childhood and have it drop us to our knees. If you were not at Brentwood Sunday then download Run P3 and/or read the book The Prodigal God by Tim Keller. You will begin to understand and apply Christianity with new clarity and discover your perspective in the Parable of the Lost Son.

Here’s a quick recap. All of us seek to be happy, fulfilled and connect with God (or our idea of god) on two dead-end pathways:

1) Self-discovery Pathway: The “younger brother” took this one in Jesus’ story. Like him, we leave God’s way to try and discover right and wrong, good and bad on our own. Essentially, we want to receive God’s vitality, but not His guidance or leadership in our life. As Keller suggest, we want the “father’s stuff,” but not the “father’s heart.” Going this direction alienates us from God volitionally and leads to self-destruction and despair. And yet, even in our lost state, God runs after us with compassion and forgiveness.

2) Moral Conformity Pathway: Jesus shows the “elder brother” took this path in his story. This brother lived on his father’s estate and obeyed him, but did so with “joyless, fear-based compliance.” In the “elder brother’s” actions we are shown a person who conforms to moral and religious “goodness,” but only to try and control God, not to actually know and reflect His heart. If we walk in the this brother’s steps then we feel like God owes us certain things in life, because of our “goodness.” And, we become angry with God when we can’t control Him. This path alienates us from God because of pride in our so-called “goodness” and the bitterness it generates. But still, God comes to us, like the father in the story, and pleads for us to see His heart and join the party He’s throwing.

Both pathways are wrong and sin-driven, and yet God loves and seeks us on either one.

To my surprise, yesterday I met and prayed with more “elder brothers” than “younger brothers”; must be the reality of living in Lynchburg and not NYC. With that, I could see myself relating to both pathways at different points in my life.

So I think the entire morning became another jarring reminder of why we all need Jesus Christ to rescue us from either “brother” that lives inside our hearts. We can’t be our own Savior.

So let’s be a church that walks the better pathway, the one Jesus Christ clears for us. Let’s obey the Father because we love and know Him. Let’s receive His reward, but also go out of our way to give it to everyone we encounter.

I subscribe to Seth Godin’s blog and glean a lot from his books on culture and industry. I included his post today, because I believe it has wide-range application, especially in relationships at home, work, community, etc. He writes:

“Any sufficiently overheated industry will eventually resemble high school. High school is filled with insecurity, social climbing, backbiting, false friends, faux achievements, high drama and not much content. Much of this insecurity comes from a market that doesn’t make good judgments, that doesn’t understand how to reliably choose between alternatives. So it turns into a popularity contest.”

“As Tom Hanks reportedly said, ‘Hollywood is like high school, but with money.’”

“Or the fashion magazine industry, which is high school but with more makeup.”

“Add to that the Internet, which is like high school but with a modem.”

“Or Twitter, which is high school but only 140 characters at a time.”

“As in high school, the winners are the ones who don’t take it too seriously and understand what they’re trying to accomplish. Get stuck in the never ending drama (worrying about what irrelevant people think) and you’ll never get anything done. The only thing worse than coming in second place in the race for student council president is… winning.”

I wanted to add my own “high-school” comparison to Godin’s list: Marriage can be like high school, but with kids. Honestly, I have to resist the tendency to regress to high school drama on a regular basis. High school was fun for me, but I have to remember this isn’t high school, it is life, marriage and, I’ll include, faith.
Thought you might be able to relate and hopefully course correct if your marriage or faith is stuck in high school right now.

Active and healthy intimacy is critical in your marriage. With that, a lame sex-life is not God’s design for our spouse, so He’s given each of us the privilege to make it great for one another. That is, if we seek greatness. First, I’ll admit, this subject lends itself to a prism of highly charged emotions, from joy to dread and hope to despair, maybe even a little embarrassment, but indifference can’t be our default.

The reality is I meet with more couples who struggle in this area than are thriving and it slowly suffocates their marriage. So get uncomfortable if you must and press on.

What’s the big deal about healthy intimacy? Why can’t we just coast? Let’s start from the beginning. Read Genesis 1 and 2. Recap: God created man (Adam) and gave him two key ingredients for whole life : 1) A relationship with the Creator, and 2) a job to care for His Creation. So everything seems kosher, except God declares things incomplete for Adam, “No suitable helper was found…, etc.” God crafts Eve out of Adam’s essence and presides over the first marriage ceremony. By the end of chapter 2, God has proclaimed sexual intimacy as the ultimate act and symbol of their closeness with Himself and each other. “And they will be come ‘one flesh.’” That’s right, a husband and wife’s sexual pursuit and fulfillment towards their spouse symbolizes the overall climate of their spiritual and emotional connectivity. Disclaimer: This doesn’t mean they’re always going to the stratosphere sexually, but it does mean they seek to regularly please each other in this critical area.

Genesis depicts Adam and Eve as “naked.” Yes, literally they had no clothes on, but also they had no emotional walls or spiritual secrets that held them back from God’s intent upon their relationship. Overall, to make “one flesh” a major priority will clear the path to lay our true hearts bare and without secrets.

But, then the world gets crazy in Genesis 3 and sin takes over everything, which includes sexual greatness among husbands and wives. And today, our marriages fight the ghost of past promiscuity, divorce, pornography, former abuse and everyday family dysfunctions. All these sins and more build walls, false expectations and major let downs for both spouses. And, the marriage suffocates and often dies a slow death over time.

If you want to move forward in “oneness” in your marriage and/or heal from past sexual wounds and mistakes, here are some great resources:

1) Sheet Music by Kevin Leman Amazon.com
2) Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Kevin Leman Amazon.com
3) Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat Amazon.com
4) Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintas Amazon.com

Brentwood Tribe,
Yesterday, we commissioned missionaries Scott and Ali Hara to take the Gospel to Sudan, Africa. It’s one of the most desperate and dangerous regions on the planet–war, rape and unbelievable poverty. And yet, we’ve sent the most mission-focused couple many of us have ever witnessed. They will leave loving families, great careers and American comforts to live primitive and poor. So, I don’t doubt they inspired us all yesterday, perhaps to run after God’s adventure in our own stories.

I was also overtaken by all of you, as well. Here’s why: When the elders of our church gathered around Scott and Ali to pray,I could hear your audible prayers fill the auditorium. You guys got it. These two people represent us all when they take the light of Jesus Christ and the heart of Brentwood Church into the darkness that awaits them.

So, our reminder yesterday was clear, God won’t ask us all to leave here and go over there, but He will lead us all to something just as crucial in our own backyard.

Thanks, Scott and Ali, for being another raised flag that emboldens us to reach our city here, while you reach new villages there. “We’ve got your back.”

Jon

If you are married, you need counseling. Reread that, because you didn’t catch it at first.

Yes, most people believe that gifted and/or professional guidance is only for relationships in trouble. Not true. Just like anything we expect to last or run smoothly over time (house, job, car, etc.), our marriage requires the same routine and intentional maintenance. Sure, we may figure out and possibly adjust hidden dysfunctions over years of trial-and-error. But why waste those years spinning wheels and piling on more junk, when a trusted counselor or wise confidant can get to the point in a few hours and then offer solutions to change?

I know what you’re asking, what will the neighbors think?  They probably won’t think anything other than you maintain your marriage as well as you do your lawn. But, if anyone does raise their eyebrow when you tell them about this priority, it is great opportunity to ask them why they do not make it one in their marriage.

Another hesitation might also be you just don’t want to spend the time or money on a counselor if things don’t seem critical. Fair enough. That is why I suggest healthy couples just schedule it once a year as an annual event. You schedule holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc., so put a yearly visit to the counselor or confidant on the calendar, as well.

So guys, if you really want to score major matrimony points, come home one day and say, “I think our marriage is amazing, but I’d love to keep improving, so I scheduled us some time with (insert local Christ-centered counselor or trusted couple here) in two weeks.   When she finally revives from fainting, she will want reassurance that things really are cool and then she’ll overpower you with uncommon desire. Okay, maybe I’m presuming a little, but she will be excited.

Get counseling. Why? Because you are married.

Let’s face it, marriage is hard work. There has to be almost a viscous drive to fight through boredom, business and major setbacks to get to the great stuff. Otherwise, the marriage goes into survival mode, or worse, it becomes another court date and lawyer fee.

These are three questions I ask my wife regularly to make sure we still fight for vitality and stay out of survival mode:

1) What can I do better? This question makes me wince at first, because it opens my male ego to possible collapse, but I ask it anyway. If my wife knows she is given permission at scheduled intervals to coach me as her husband, our children’s father, etc., then wisdom often emerges over frustration. She doesn’t have to calculate when the planets will line up perfectly to discuss my recent return to emotional aloofness or my ADD on house projects. Those things go on the what-can-Jon-do-better list. I don’t require it, but often she returns the favor and asks me the same question. Sometimes I oblige and other times not. Either way, something crazy starts to happen when we ask this simple question to one another, we start getting better at being together.

2) If you were me, what would you do? Here’s a question that helps diffuse an impasse or argument that is heading for nuclear. Stop, breathe and give your spouse the opportunity to experience this whole situation from your point-of-view. If you were me, what would you do? Your spouse is given the chance to do two things at once: A) Describe to you how they hoped you would have handled him or her, and B) it helps them get into your skin voluntarily instead of being forced to see it your way. You’ll be surprised how clarity shows up sooner rather than later, and often with less collateral damage.

3) What do you love about me? It’s really a trick question, because it’s more about them than you. Let me explain. When your spouse can reflect and verbalize what they love about you, then you discover how your love gets noticed the most by him or her, what makes him or her feel loved. She might say, “I love when you send me random text about how beautiful I am.” And yet, she may never mention that you clear off the table after dinner every night. He might say,“I love when you show me affection without prompting.” But he may never mention how incredible you make the flowerbed look in the spring. It doesn’t mean that the unmentioned is not important, it’s just not where your love is transmitted the most. Subconsciously, your spouse is revealing that love is greater felt by what rises to the top of his or her what-I-love-about-you list. Of course, keep up the clean up and flowerbeds, but you definitely want to maximize the affirming words and unprompted kisses, because that’s where the love is highlighted most.

Base upon my Disciple Night post, some of you have inquired about the content Tammy and I use to guide the mentoring experience with our kids. Of course, the Scriptures are the primary source, but here are 3 books that have helped us, and I believe every parent should pull a part page-by-page.

1) Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel: Parent your kids the way God parents you. amazon
2) Boundaries for Kids by Cloud and Townsend: What are the virtues that set a child free to be a wise, Christ-centered adult? amazon
3) Raising Kids for True Greatness by Tim Kimmel: Redefine greatness for your kids, so they know what life is truly about and how to live it fully. amazon

Soon, I’ll post some of the key questions, lessons and guidelines that we’ve adapted from these resources to teach our kids character. Hopefully, this is helpful.

Stay in the fight. It’s worth it for you, your children and the world they will help shape.

I have a friend who speaks four languages fluently. No, I am serious. We were in Moscow once and I watched him translate a business transaction between a Russian and Frenchmen, and then tell me about it in English. You gotta be kidding me; what planet are these people from? Envy is an understatement.

For me, though, I’ve made it my life’s mission to try and crack the most elusive code language in human history…Woman. Yes, that cosmic vernacular made up of riddles and hints, overtones and the occasional ambush. This maze is one that many a man has wondered into and never been seen again.

So, for my bros out there who want to communicate with the natives, here’s three basic phrases that I’ve roughly decoded. I am not an expert or fluent-speaking, and there are always dialect exceptions to these phrases, but these three will at least get you through the airport or help you hail a cab. Use them wisely and I’ll share more as I continue my research.

1) How was your day? When a woman asks this, strangely, unlike most people, she actually wants to know how your day was. You’ll be tempted to give her a trite answer like “it was good,” so you can get to Sportscenter. However, push through the pretense and choose three interesting things that happened to you that day and share them at a reasonable pace.

Example: A senseless conversation you had with the UPS guy–So then I told him… Or, laugh through the story about blowing up your frozen dinner in the break room microwave. Everybody thought it was the zaniest thing. Close up shop with a good-natured rant about the meetings you hate going to, and how you wish they’d just let you do your job instead of talk about it. She will think you’re a rebel then. Sure, most guys couldn’t care less if you told them any of this, but remember you’re speaking Woman to a living, breathing woman. They are receiving affection in each trivial tangent; she’s eating it up like Oreo crumbs. After you’ve finished your three things, then pause thoughtfully and ask this, “How was your day?” Just listen and find out things about this mysterious person you married. Don’t worry. Sportscenter will be there when it’s all over; it’s on a round-the-clock loop.

2) I have a headache-This phrase is often misinterpreted. It does not always translate to mean your bedroom ambitions are being thwarted, nor does it mean she wants solutions for her ailment. Well, take an aspirin, honey. No. Mainly, it is a beacon for empathy. Women seem to want their husbands to “get in their shoes” and walk around in their reality. Don’t take that “shoe” thing literally; that’s creepy. Instead, respond by saying things like, “I’m so sorry. Tell me more. How does that make you feel?” Then perhaps you can rub her shoulders. Be careful with the shoulder rub, though, because things might go another direction for you both. To be honest, you might not be able to handle the woman you’re about to unleash.

3) “I’m fine” or “nothing’s wrong“- Quick translation: Pursue me, dang it! And, you guessed it; when a woman replies with either of these answers, or variations, she means just the opposite. Somehow life is way off center for her and you are likely one of the tipping points. Two things you’ll need to crack this code: A) Patience- Commit to stay the course for a while. Don’t rush to a solution or apology, or things can get way more complex than before. Take your time and don’t take it too personal. B) Persistence- You’ll need to keep trudging through deflections and build a platform for her to eventually sing like the DA just handed her immunity and witness protection all in the same deal. Look out, because truth will be told, but that truth sets you both free. Afterwards, when you’ve seen that clearly something was wrong and not fine, then you have ”wife-cred” to begin to problem solve.

Let’s bring this home and go back to my friend who is the language Jedi. I finally asked him one day how he’s able to master all these foreign tongues. His answer was simple and logical to my own quest to decode Woman. “First, I fall in love with the language,” he said. “Then I fall for the culture and people who speak it.” Interesting I thought. “It’s not very long,” he concluded. “Until I listen to those people who speak it. Then I can talk to them and they understand me.”

Groundbreaking. Pass it on.