Is your marriage funky right now? Ok, maybe you love each other, but “like” is another matter. Passion is buried in a closet somewhere, and Mr. Funk sits in your kitchen like a What-About-Bob nightmare. You pay the bills, maintain the stuff and keep the kids well fed and on task. But, as the song goes, “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.” Translation: You don’t look at each other as lovers, but instead as roommates trying to cram for life.

There are episodes in my marriage where Tammy and I lived with Mr. Funk. And, because we’re both married to human-beings, we will again. What I’ve come to realize, though, about this unwelcome houseguest is that it’s easy to let him linger around way too long. Excuses get made for why Mr. Funk is normal–marriage is supposed to drag; work just demands so much; these kids won’t raise themselves, etc. Mr. Funk is not only justified, he’s embraced.

Soon Mr. Funk gets his own room and before you know it, he’s kicked one of you out of the bed. You know what I mean. Intimacy is a chore for her, and boring relief to him–yes, I said it. Date night is a list of can’t-dos for him, and a decayed memory to her. Mr. Funk now owns the house.

Advice? Grab Mr. Funk by the collar, fling open the door and throw him towards the neighbor’s pit-bull. Settle down, he’s not a literal person; he’s a metaphor. You get the point, though.

So how do you kick Mr. Funk out? Here is the first and most important exercise. I may share more in another post.

Step One: Acknowledge Mr. Funk is there. Lack of healthy communication is still one of the biggest relationship killers on the planet. No one wants to admit there’s a problem.

But, talk about it. Just say, “I love you, but I don’t like where we are right now.” Ladies be specific; no head games or Scooby-Do mysteries. Own it. Guys, don’t take it personal. She loves you and thinks you’re a great man, but something needs to change. Also, guys, when it’s your turn, be clear and loving. Did I say loving? Yes, be loving. You’ve carried this frustration around way too long and suddenly you’re allowed to unleash it. But guys often way over shoot. They go postal, instead of graceful. Mr. Funk transforms into something else. No time for that right now.

What if I just can’t talk about it? Well, start with I don’t know how to talk about this. Then seek a pastor or counselor as a first-step navigator. Life’s too short, and marriage has too many great possibilities, to let pride and Mr. Funk take away some meaningful years.

Other steps coming soon.