(Here’s a re-post from my former blog. Thought it needed some new readers.)

I met my wife in high school. We weren’t love-at-first-sighters, but pretty close. Two months after meeting, we dated. Five years later—through one 15-minute breakup and the college years—we married. The past 11 years has been a journey of fortunate mistakes, valiant dreams and whole lot of faith, hope and love. Now, I’m more in love and more attracted to this remarkable woman than on our wedding day.

These days our three children grow up at rapid pace and I wonder what vibrant skies we’ll face next. Yet, while I get ready for those horizons, I can’t help but sift through our voyage—along with the stories of others I’ve counseled over the past decade—to offer some advice. These thoughts are for someone who is about to begin a marriage or perhaps for a couple who have somehow lost their way. So here’s some guidance from someone a little ways ahead.

I think we should all ask this question before we get married: Do I know who I am? Know the answer. Why? Because we’ve all heard a story like this before: A woman wakes up in her marriage one day, looks at her naive family and says, “I really wanted to be a Broadway star, not a cook and carpool mom.” So she runs off to the Big City and leaves the rubble behind. Sounds extreme, but as a pastor I hear it all the time, just different names and places. Early on, I had to realize that my marriage is not a cute puppy I brought home from the pound that I might return if it messes on the carpet. No, it’s an allegiance to someone, another soul whom I’ll love and grow and change with for life, thick and thin. So, if you’re not ready to turn in your “Me Card” for an “Us Card” then my advice is grow up some more before you say, “I do.”

I married my best friend. Yes, I’m serious. And I’d tell you to do the same. Sounds trite, but so much of marriage is shaped by the chemistry and trust of two friends, not infatuated lovers. It’s a man and woman who sense the safety of being real in every way, thoughts and emotions especially. They don’t hide or perform to keep up fairytale illusions of themselves.

Here’s a twist: Imagine Prince Charming prepares a candlelight dinner to captivate Cinderella, but spends the time confessing his inadequacies and past regrets to her—not exactly her idea of an evening out. Best friends, though, can welcome this. They laugh and cry and work through each other’s junk patiently (and we all have junk) and then love each other more deeply than before. Don’t misunderstand; the fire of romantic attraction is critical and needs to be kindled, but major decisions and changes rarely happen over seduction games. So if we can’t be authentic with someone, then married life will be lonely and exhaustive. It is, after all, impossible to be “enchanted” 24-7.

It’s tough for me to accept, but my human love can’t sustain my marriage. And if we’re honest, we’d all like to think we’re competent enough to hold a relationship together on our own—livin’ on love. The reality is confirmed for me that a Christ-driven love is needed to thrive and finish strong in marriage. Otherwise, our odds are 50-50.

Think about it, our natural love is fickle and self-focused, at best. We release and deny it with conditions that change by the second and fade over time. Get two selfish people together who try to make it on the “factory installed” love and everything gets really blurry. Personally, my faith and followership in Jesus Christ, and my church community have been the greatest coaches in higher (or divine) love for me. This belief and embrace of God’s love has helped me weather some pretty intense seasons as a flawed husband. It’s taught me how to truly say, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” So, don’t just find a religious building to book your ceremony; discover some true believers to do life and faith and family with for the long haul. Trust me, you’ll find what you’re looking for.

There’s so much more to unfold, but if I only had five minutes to condense a decade, these three would be the big ones for me. So quick review, 1) Know who you are (Am I selfless enough for marriage?), 2) Know who your fiancé(e) is (Is this person just my boy/girl friend, or my best friend?), and 3) Know where true love really comes from (Do I believe and embrace something bigger than human love?). Now, go enjoy a life in this heroic journey of marriage. I promise, you’ll never be the same.