I believe a man’s wife and children are often a reflection of his own self leadership. Where he’s winning in the heart and mind, they will respond; where he’s losing, visa versa. Now, I also believe in free will and personal responsibility of individuals, so a wife and child can go AWOL even under ideal masculine leadership. However, a man’s leadership plays a big role when drama hits the home front.

Below is an email response I sent to a man in a tough spot. His wife and college age son are constantly supporting and enabling each other’s disregard for his leadership in the home. Sometimes he feels like it’s them against him. Here’s some advise I gave that might help you as well. (Note: You’ll have to fill in some blanks, because some advise is based on what I previously know about his story.)

“…This email is only to encourage you that you can move forward with your wife and son, but it’s going to take a lot of work and responsibility on your part as a leader. Also, this email is only one grain of sand, on a shoreline of wise counsel and changes, you must seek in your life.”

“Here we go: what your experiencing with your wife and son are likely two sides of the same coin. Brace yourself: They both have a hard time trusting and respecting you. Sure, they should just do those things because you are “the man of the house,” but I wish it were that easy. Trust and respect are earned over years, not demanded on a whim or urge.”

“Yes, it bothers you that your wife undermines you and enables your son’s childishness. Yes, it makes you feel disrespected that your son consumes your resources and material provision, but doesn’t seem to care about your leadership in his life. You are neither crazy nor abnormal to think those thoughts. But, these two relationships are a reflection of the choices you’ve made over time. That’s hard to hear, I know. And yet, you have hope and options.”

“Options: 1) you can keep demanding they listen to you simply because you pay the bills and are a man. You may win some short term behavior changes, but you’ll never win their hearts.”

“Or, 2) you can become trustworthy and respectable, win their hearts, and watch them slowly open themselves to your leadership. That’s going to take a dismantling of your current thinking, and rebuilding of a new one (the Aplostle Paul calls it the transformation of the mind). This will require personal responsibily, self-reflection, counseling, mentoring and lots of reading…”

I have high hopes that this man will take some big steps to lead better by first leading himself. But, I wonder how many men out there truly realize that their wife and kids are a reflection of their own self leadership.

Thoughts?